You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Randomize
