so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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