so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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