My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
