i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
