So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
