You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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