So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
