just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
