STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
