Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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