I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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