but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize