He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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