I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i've created a new STD.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
