yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
