I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
