So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
