A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
