Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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