Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
