You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
