My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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