dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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