I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
