When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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