I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
its not stalking. its research.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im holly from the hills drunk
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
