I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
