based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
farters have to be the big spoon...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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