TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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