You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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