I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
