No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Are my feet made of real feet?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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