Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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