He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
