why im i the only drunk person in the library?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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