I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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