I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
