I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
