You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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