Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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