FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
