i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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