Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
