paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
