I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize