All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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