I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
