I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I accidentally had phone sex last night
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
