The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
