I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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