how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Someone came in the potted fern
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
