I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
