There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize