You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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