Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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