Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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