I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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