Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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