You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
