can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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