he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
